Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
