I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
