don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
