census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
