I think my fart just growled at me.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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