Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza†btw
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
