im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
