Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It's not a walk of shame if you run
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
