I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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