i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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