You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
