Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
