The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
