The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
