I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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