made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
it hurts more in the daytime
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
