new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
