my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
