I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
