Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
