did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
