someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
sarcasm needs its own font
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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