if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
