make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
