For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
