One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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