Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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