i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
