Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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