i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
