Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
