70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
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