I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
