I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I'm passing your future prison.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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