You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
