I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
