Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you win again, gameday.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
