Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
