I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
