I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
