Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
