I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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