if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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