I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Randomize
