And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
