Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
