I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
