the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
