I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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