Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
